The fork in the road

Last Friday, Steve's port was removed. His little buddy who has been with him since this journey began was unceremoniously pulled from his chest. If you go online and google "power port", you'll find a lot of info about these things. Add "removal" to it and you'll find some surgeons who have blogged about the importance to the patient of having the port removed. 

It's a real tangible sign that the worst is over. And it should be a high point. 

But since that day, while he's doing well physically,  he's going through a tough time emotionally. I admit that I am unsure of how to handle the situation right now. I respect the way he feels: the colostomy has changed the way he thinks of himself and he feels that has substantively changed our relationship as well. I thought he would be elated to be cancer free and with the odds in his favor (70-30) that he can stay that way. But instead, i think he's dealing with some kind of survivor's guilt. And he's let this build up over the past couple of weeks until last night we just had a giant meltdown. And although I respect how he feels, I don't know what to say when I really want to say: Look how lucky you are! Enjoy what you've got and what we have rather than torturing yourself over the things you can't change. And yet, I know that even though I have walked this road side by side with him for the past year, I can't know how he really FEELS. It didn't happen to me. Just as - i guess - he can't know how I feel.

The bottom line is: I want to be supportive and help him over this hump. I just don't know how to do it. I didn't think there would be a hump here. If you know what I mean....