One foot in front of the other

The holiday is over. Kristin has gone back to Canada. Steve and I are spending today just crashed out - in jammies and slippers!

Steve's doing really well: He's gained more than 14 pounds since stopping chemo and feels great. He really enjoyed the visit with Kristin - we saw "My Fair Lady" at the Peace Center, shopped, explored downtown Greenville and just generally spent time together. I was so glad that he was up to really enjoying this time with her.

Round 2 of chemo starts on Thursday. The oncologist said they would make some adjustments to this round, so hopefully he will not have as serious side effects as he did before. But at least he knows there's a light at the end of this tunnel and he'll be able to be back to his normal self (permanently) once we get through the next six weeks.

I'll update after Thursday, but we are both keeping a real positive attitude about this last leg of the journey! We couldn't have made it without you all.

A Happy Thanks-birthday

A double good day today.

It was both Thanksgiving and Steve's birthday. His daughter Kristin is here for the week and Kyle came for dinner. So he had two of his three kids with him and, most importantly, he was feeling great.

We had quite the traditional Thanksgiving meal, which Kristin helped me put together and then did the majority of the dish washing.

Thanksgiving is the least demanding holiday we have. You don't have to give gifts, dress up, decorate your home. All that is expected is to share a meal and take a moment to reflect. This year may be the first year I really gave some thought to giving thanks. With so much bad that happened this year, it seemed at first like there wasn't much to be thankful for. But I guess it's all too true that sometimes you have to go through some bad times to really appreciate what you have got.

I am thankful ...

• For every day Steve and I have together.


• For caring and skilled surgeons, oncologists and nurses who have combined their skills to save his life.


• For Blue Cross Blue Shield.


• For close friends and family who have been there for support, chicken soup, lawn mowing and hand holding.


• That Marilyn is home and working hard to be able to walk on the beach again.


• That my mother is out of the hospital, home again and going strong at 79!


• For a comfortable home surrounding us with memories of good times and good friends.


• For the warmth of being sandwiched between two big dogs curled up around me in the morning.


• That we have the means to pay for emergency surgery for a dog who eats rocks and orthopedic surgery for dog whose love of the game of b-a-l-l has resulted in a second major injury.
  


• That I know Steve and I never walk alone through the tough times and have a chorus of friends who sing and dance in the kitchen with us.

I am still going to be happy to see 2007 in my rear view mirror. So much pain and suffering for people I love. But it was a year of getting in touch with what is truly important and that has changed me - I hope for the better. And for that, I am thankful.

Steak and pancakes!

Finally the storm is passing.

For about the past week, Steve has been feeling a bit better. The diarrhea is slowing up and, as of today, may be (cross your fingers) finished, the vomiting and upset stomach stopped and he's been getting his appetite back. In fact, in some ways since Monday, he's been ravenous. He called me at work and asked me to bring home a steak for dinner! This morning, before I got up he had some fruit and then wanted pancakes, which he ate with some slices of ham on the side! It is terrific to see him not only have an appetite but enjoy what he's eating. Apparently the "metal mouth" is also dissipating.

Now with the intestinal distress slowing up, perhaps some of what he's taking in will actually have a shot at getting absorbed into his system.

At chemo on Thursday, Steve was still having some diarrhea still and the doctor decided that we would stop round one after the four weeks we've completed. We'll start round 2 - with a slightly different mix - on Nov. 29. That means he'll have had four weeks without chemo which is already helping him regain strength, appetite and the resolve to keep going.

You can see why they give you a break between chemo sessions: first, your body needs some recovery from the assault chemo makes on it. But, I think more important, is your mind needs to reboot as well. Steve has asked me several times whether or not he would ever enjoy food again, or ever feel like himself again. This break is letting him see that the real Steve -- a healthy, strong, energetic guy - is still in there and will be back!

Steve's daughter Kristin is coming from Canada for Thanksgiving (which also happens to be Steve's 62nd birthday). It's great that he's going to be feeling so much better while she's here!

But all is not well with our four-legged family members

Both dogs have medical issues now too.

Sable's torn the cruciate ligament in her right leg. She had the same injury to her left leg five years ago and had a procedure called a TPLO (Tibial Plateau Leveling Ostotomy). This is a relatively new procedure that essentially changes the weight bearing structure of the dog's leg so the torn cruciate is no longer a factor. Her left knee is held in place with a steel plate and six screws. Now she'll have to have the same procedure on her right leg. As a little extra for me, I'll be taking her for her surgery on my birthday (Nov. 29)!

The recovery period is lengthy - about 4 months - and involves keeping her contained and quiet with no walking at all (except to go out to do her business) for the first MONTH!

Just as we were wrapping our minds around having to do that, Bogey managed to eat a rock out in the backyard. He was vomiting the other night - about 8 or 9 times - and I was worried he might have the bloat (this condition where the dog's stomach actually turns upside down and may twist like a disrag is the second largest killer of dogs behind cancer)! So we rushed him to the emergency vet clinic Thursday night around 11 p.m. After examination and xrays, they said, good news, NOT the bloat. Bad news, seems to have eaten a rock that was lodged in his large intestine. So at 1:30 they started emergency surgery to remove it. That was successful, thank God. And Bogey's home now -- in the x-pen I had pulled out for Sable's upcoming recovery.

Big ticket items ($$) - both of them. But at least Bogey's OK and I hope Sable's surgery will go well.

Now pretty much everyone's got something going on!

Potholes in the road

Well, we knew it wasn't going to be a breeze. We hadn't quite counted on a n'oreaster.

The last week has been about the worst we've had. Steve's had everything: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and stomach cramping. None of the medications are doing much for any of this, so i called the oncologist for an appointment earlier this week. They did blood tests and pronounced everything to be in expected ranges. But gave him a drip of IV fluids with some atavan and other meds in it and sent him home with an appointment to come back the next day (wednesday) if he didn't feel better. By Tuesday night he was feeling significantly better and was even able to eat a bit -- a tiny can of pears and a small bowl of oatmeal was about it.

So on Wednesday, he thought he'd be OK and did not go for more fluids. But by the evening, he was feeling crappy again. Thursday is chemo day and I encouraged him to eat something before we went. One bite and he was tearing ass for the bathroom.

When we got to the cancer center, he was feeling as bad as ever -- not well enough to even have the treatment. They gave him fluids, prescribed something stronger for diarrhea and sent him to the hospital for some abdominal xrays to see if he may have something else going on like a blockage. We didn't get those results today.

Since we got home, Steve's been sleeping. When he's not even up for watching ESPN, i know that he feels bad.

He's back to the cancer center tomorrow for more fluids and to see the doc about the results of his xray. Along with all this, he's lost more weight and is down to 128 pounds (and that's fully dressed with shoes on!). Doesn't look like his body will be able to handle any chemo until we get past this and he regains some strength.

Will post tomorrow when I know something more.

Week 4 and the going gets tougher

From the start, we knew the effects of chemo are cumulative. It's not so bad at the beginning but as the drugs build up in your body, the side effects become more severe. Unfortunately, that's certainly been the case.

This week is probably the worst he's had. He felt lousy on Thursday, worse on Friday and had everything from cramping to nausea to the d-word (you know what I mean) on Saturday. It's sunday morning and after getting up about every two hours to do bag maintenance, he had vomiting this morning as well.

Tough time and there is so little I can do to help him. There's an anti-nausea pill, a blue pill for cramping, lots of Tylenol for headaches and Aleve for the muscle aches -- this for a guy who wouldn't take a pill to save his life before! All those meds are taking the edge off each issue, but they're not knocking it out.

Probably by Tuesday or Wednesday, he'll be feeling better -- just in time to start the cycle all over again. I was talking to a friend the other day, who is going through cancer with his sister (ovarian) and she described getting up on chemo day and going for the treatments as a "force of will". I can really see that. When you finally start to feel better after days of pain and sickness, how do you make yourself get up and start that cycle of pain again?

I guess it is because of the incredible strength cancer survivors must have. No matter how old or how infirm they appear, each one faces the unmanageable, the fear, the sickness every day, stands up to it and says "You are not going to beat me!". For those of us cowed by a tough day at work, that's showing an immeasurable strength. I don't suppose they know they have it until they heard the diagnosis, nodded ascent to the treatment plan and stepped one foot in front of the other into the battle.

But isn't that the definition of a true hero?

Not one who fights without fear, but one who fights despite the fear.

But there are things to look forward to as well. Steve's birthday is Nov. 22 -- Thanksgiving Day. His daughter, Kristin, who lives in Canada and he sees very little, will be here visiting. I know that will be a huge boost to him. And, he'll be off chemo that week - an extra bonus.

Steve's not much of an internet/computer person, so those who have posted encouragement, support and caring comments on this blog, really don't know how much that has mean't to him. We've always known we had great friends - more than our fair share - but this experience has brought that home.

If you are inspired, please send those cards, notes, emails and give the old man - and I DO mean old (wow, he'll be 62 this year and still everyone thinks he's barely 50!) - a boost on the big day.